Each NFL team gets a writeup, and it goes in reverse order of finish, with the last column coming around the time of Thursday's NFL opener. That means we're up to playoff teams from last year, and the most recent edition of Why Your Team Sucks involves a team that lives down to that title to a T- the Dallas Cowboys. Magary saves much of his mockery for Dallas owner Jerry (Johnny Walker Blue) Jones, and how the rich oil man is the real epitome of the Real America and the Real NFL.
That’s how the NFL works now. Regardless of his tiff with Goodell, Jerry is still the shadow commissioner of this league, and he has remade the whole venture in his image. He engineered the existence of two shitty teams in LA. He runs stadium ops for teams that are not his own. And he has already pioneered new ways to drain local coffers by opening luxury practice facilities. This is a greedy, tacky, corrupt league with no soul at its core. It doesn’t really matter if the Cowboys regress this season—and again, they will. Jerry will still be the kingfish, raking in his money and spending it with all the sensitivity of Marie Antoinette:...
This is the America you live in now. Not only do the bad guys win, they don’t even have to sneak around to do it. Everyone knows Jerry has a fixer (hmmm). Everyone knows Jerry is horny at all hours. Everyone knows the NFL has a fucked-up relationship will local prosecutors in case players—or the league itself—get in a jam. It doesn’t matter. You live in an age of naked, unapologetic corruption. No organization is a more fitting exemplar of this than the Dallas Cowboys and their tiresome, Real Housewives casting reject fans. After all, it’s not just Dallas players that are out here assaulting women. They don’t deserve success. They don’t deserve happiness. They deserve to have a horse stomp on their throat.
Even funnier is the comments that follow, most coming from Cowboys fans that have similar opinions about their owner.
Jerry Jones is a crazy old man with little expertise in his chosen field, a history of sexual harassment allegations, a habit of publicly micromanaging his employees and a tendency to fall ass-backwards into success. The Cowboys are the spiritual embodiment of the Trump administration, and we deserve nothing good.And this
Jerryworld is filled with so many obese, Bud Light Lime drinking, obnoxiously front-running, Trump-loving asshats that bombing it out of existence on game day would raise the collective IQ of DFW by 20 points. Our defense couldn’t stop a junior college offense and our owner has to be physically restrained from drafting/signing the worst human beings he can find outside a prison every season. Despite having a promising young QB/RB combo and a beast of an o-line, we will find a way to fuck this up. Probably by failing to stop someone from scoring the winning points at the very end of a playoff game, again.
Oh, you mean like this?
I was in Vegas watching that game this January. That sequence is the reason that "HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS?" is now a running joke among this group of friends, as I may have said that a few times that night. And it's because of that GOP lowlife Jerry Jones and the whole self-important "America's Team" bullshit from a Cowboys franchise that hasn't been to a Super Bowl for 22 years, and how sweet it was that the REAL America's team wrecked their dream season.
And don't worry, the Pack will be on "Why Your Team Sucks" in the next day or so, given the running order. Given that Magary's a Vikings guy, he saves an extra dose of derision for fans of the Green and Gold. It'll be worth the read.