Sunday, September 6, 2015

Sunday reading- Why Your Team Sucks

With the 2015 NFL season approaching, it's time for the annual installments of "Why Your Team Sucks" at Deadspin. Drew Magary has perfected this column over the last few years, and yes, the most recent entry involves the Green and Gold (the Seahawks and Patriots finish up the series this week, before the season kicks off on Thursday).

Here are some of the classic smacks on the Pack (actually onto Packer fans), most of which are friendly fire from our own fans.
The average Packer fan in Wisconsin is about 40-50 years old, pasty white with the BMI of an African Elephant. When Ryan Longwell left the Packers for the Vikings, he said Minneapolis was a great city, and that the in comparison, nicest restaurant in Green Bay was Applebee’s. Packer fans in this state were furious at his comments. Do you know why? Because they knew he was right....

I will end this with a personal story of going to Lambeau for a game. Of course it’s frigid and there are fat idiots in hunting gear everywhere, as if there was some sort of bowhunter uprising in the wind. I’m there with my cousin and some family and there’s a really large, bearded fan next to us swaying on his feet. He lurches as if to shout and with his hands to his mouth, and then just vomits all over his gloves and the woman in front of him, who starts screaming. Then he shuffles as if to leave, but instead of walking the three seats past us to the aisle, he goes the opposite, forty-seat way, pasting every single person with the puke on his gloves all the way down. Lambeau is not a football temple, it is a swine cathedral in Ice Hell...

We’re the Cardinals fans of football, completely up our own asses about our small town charm, public ownership, and faux humility. In reality, our fans are exactly the same as everyone else’s: fat, drunken, loudmouthed slobs, only we’re so delusional that we think we own part of a billion dollar franchise too.
And I have one more. FAR TOO MANY OF THESE ZUBAZ-WEARING MEATHEADS FROM THE 920 AND THE EASTERN HALF OF THE 715 VOTED FOR WALKER. Despite the fact that the Packers are publically-owned, and wouldn't exist without the NFL's socialist redistribution policies that they created 50 years ago.

As a Packer fan with an IQ over 90, what used to be charming pictures of some goateed fat guy with a stupid Foamation wedge on his head now makes me seethe with the reality that this kind of meatball who allowed the state to go down the drain. He likely knows better now and regrets it, but "herp de derp, I'm a sportsman, tough guy, Herp de derp ya knooow." BAH!


  1. "He likely knows better now..."

    He likely listens to the Charlie Sykes and Mark Belling types and blames everything on President Obama.

    Walker lowered my taxes!

    They probably don't even consider that the taxes are lower because the property values are lower. If the property values are lower that is once again the fault of President Obama. That would have nothing to do with Walkers austerity agenda stalling the economy in Wisconsin and reducing the demand for home sales.

    I'm sorry. I just can't be as optimistic as you are.

    1. You may have a point. But I think some of Walker''s erosion of approval is from some if those meatheads who are learning the true cost of those tax cuts and union-busting.

      You also hit on a common bit of anger with me- how RW propaganda stations like AM620 in MKE, 1310 in Madison, and other Packer affiliates gravy-train listeners to gate radio because people keep it on those stations after the Pack are done playing